it's all about God, It's all about Love

I have been searching for years and years for the so called ultimate being, that one and only that is able to give you peace, hope, love, and all other unimaginable feelings we lack throughout our hectic crazy life that is full of pain and sorrow.

I am still in search to understand, I am still in search for that one on one relationship that somehow occurs between the human being and that "Ultimate God"

 

I am everything i despise.

There comes the time when you realize that you are really on your own.
When you know you have no home, you have no shelter
You are just a simple miscalculation of two immature married irresponsible individuals.
They made no plans for your life, no plans for your living ,,
They just went doing a mistake after another,
And now, You wake up and realise ,, Yes, you are all alone.
Yes you were not meant to be happy,
Your life is a simple waste of time, a sick game of survival
No, you were not meant to enjoy the life you are living

Fighting the urge to compare, fight those unanswered questions:

WHY ME?
WHATS THE POINT ?
HOW COULD THIS BENEFIT ME?

I used to be a dreamer, with loads of hopes and dreams.
I used to believe that hard work meant success!
That if I am dedicated, it meant I shall reach to my aim
Only now I know, that is utter crap!
You see, Some people are meant to be living, they are meant to have a life
and others are just meant to be collateral damage to serve some big cosmic plan of some sort of almighty being

I am just the result of a mistake after another.
and I was too naive to think I can overcome that so called cosmic plan and fight for what I care to be.

I put my sword down, i shall not fight, I shall not cry
I shall bare that pain of lost dreams and crushed hopes,
I shall go with the flow and just accept defeat.
and just be everything I despise

How can I not question

My life just passed me by and all wonder why am I so angry? Why am I always not satisified? Why do I keep seeking answers for the unanswered questions?....

My answer simply is how can I Not!

How can I live a life that treated me that bad and just not question the reason why... how can it be that the foundation of my life is that corrupt that it scarred me for life .. left a void in me that is only full of hate and fury.. Robbed me from my childhood, stole my innocence..Shattered my dreams and crushed my hope.
How can that be of benefit to in anyway? How can they tell me my pain shall turn to lemonade when all it turned out to be was rotten filth.

I walk around with a broken heart, hiding it's wounds yet can't hide it enough.

Scars showing all over ... eyes bleeding from the agony and voice choked holding back the tears.

After all that how can I not question the reason behind HIS choice for my life. They claim we have the liberty. . They claim we can do whatever we care to do but that is not true ...  I can only feel chained... weighed down to my knees .. I can't move on without my answers I can't go along without understanding .. I can't let go

Another HeartBreak awaiting a pure soul

Another Heartbreak , another soul that shall be lost and I can't do anything about it. 

Another eye looking for love and shall only find disappointment, rejection of it's pure heart and abandonment
Meanwhile I stand still .. hand tied .. even forced to smile in the eyes of the criminals whom I know they shall break that innocent creature's spirit.
Another tear is shed and I can not stop the cruelty of this world not even within my circle.
Another soul shall be broken and I can't avoid it the pain....
Another failure in my book of Shame.

I am the brick that blocks the sun in my life.

I am not  a person who knows how to whine and cry overlost cases, and failed relationships. I am not a person who is capable of shedding a tear out of self pity ,, I cry cos I am angry and because I can not do anything about it ,, I cry because I am weak to not be able to handle whatever hardship I am passing through.
I expect the best out of me, yet I always failed me with my setbacks and fears. I am the biggest enemy of my own self. I am the biggest obstacle in front of my own success and I am too weak to even work on it Or even do something about it.
I have lost a lot of loved ones during my childhood and teenage times; some by departing to their hometowns, others by me departing and leaving them behind and a very few by the ultimate true thing in life .. Death.
I enter relations and i break them up, I settle in a place and then I leave. I can not handle being attached I can not handle being bounded by people and memories! I run, I always run and I make sure to run fast and I go faster and faster .... like I am going to be hit by a train; I run like my whole life depends on it and I keep running that now I can not even catch my breath.
Yes I know all along it's me. I am the brick that blocks the sun in my life.
I am lucky to have all believing in me and what I can do and what I might be!!!  ,, Yet I don't.. I fight myself everyday to wake up and fake a smile, say hello and be upbeat so that people won't notice how much I am failing them. I wake up and I regret waking up, yet still keep energy in my tone of voice and fierceness in my typed words on a broken keyboard
Another day just passed and another will pass.. till one day it will hit me in the face ,,, my whole life was simply just a waste.

.. But you will be safe

I look at that girl's smile, very relaxed, very secure .. just looking around at ease feeling no worries. she just needs to know she has her Mother there, "Mum will handle all" , "Mum will pay for all" without a single doubt her mother will do all and she just needs to be there. She eats and drinks ,, sips every little drop of that shake she ordered and ate every green leaf left over the plate while her mum laying back and check her facebook through her iphone. In a little bit The mother starts giggling hard at something her daughter said mistakenly wrong while eating and the girl still looks at her Mum with joy that she made her laugh , no longer a small a giggle , its a laughter that came from the heart and brought tears to both their eyes. 

That's a scene I have witnessed while having coffee in one of the cafes ,, and it reached deep to my heart. That serenity you find in that one moment when you are secure and with that one person you know will never harm you. 

I recalled the days my mum took me for walks around the park from behind everyone just to have some quality time and just talk. she told me a lot of things maybe back then I understood nothing more than half of it maybe, but I enjoyed those walks more than anything else. We went to resorts on our own and swim in the deep sea and just talk more and more ,, maybe about none sense,, maybe about the past,, and maybe about our old unhealed pains ,, hours would pass and we wouldn't notice til My sister screams her lungs out calling our names on the shore cos we went in too deep. 

I don't believe a lot of people are lucky as I am; being able to have such a relation with one of their parents. Unfortunately I was never lucky to enjoy the meaning of fatherhood nor being a friend with my father (loads of trials but always ended up with disappointment and regrets), But I was and still am blessed with a very special relation with a mother who did her best and made it all happen for me to turn out the best of what I can be. 

Maybe back then and even now some of her decision were/are annoying, and painfully provoking yet through it all I know she did and still is doing her best, she offered and still is offering me all what she can offer and even more. 

That does not mean at all that maybe after five minutes from now we would not fight and create a whole world war 3 in our apartment, neighbors would have their windows broken from the sound of our screams. but after all calms down I still know when I look at her I am still that little girl who looks at her mum and knows all is going to be fine She is going to make all OK in a little bit :) .